


In A World Of His Own

by transmarkcohen



Category: Rent - Larson
Genre: F/F, F/M, I actually don’t know how dark this is gonna get, M/M, Tiny child - Freeform, he’s eight, it begins with little mark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-09
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-07-28 16:39:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16245638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transmarkcohen/pseuds/transmarkcohen
Summary: Mark doesn’t know who’s the outlier here.





	1. Moonlight

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HeadlinesBreadlinesBlowMyMind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeadlinesBreadlinesBlowMyMind/gifts).



**_November 17, 1964_ **

Esther stood next to her boyfriend. They hadn’t gotten married, and that had upset Esther’s parents, but she didn’t care what they wanted. Only what she wanted. Why would she care about those old fogeys anyway? 

Maybe she should have listened, though. Because now she was five months pregnant, and even in a state as liberal as New York, this was seen as a problem. An unmarried woman with child? No. No, that wouldn’t do, at all. She had been somewhat hoping Melchior had brought her here to propose. 

They stood next to each other on the pier, listening to the sound of the waves and looking out at the moonlight on the water. Melchior’s large hands gripped the wooden rail. He looked...thoughtful. Nervous?

“Esther?” He said after a while. 

“Yes?” She looked up at him, her blue eyes hopeful. 

“I’m...you know there’s a reason I brought you here. And it’s-I mean, the reason is…” 

He did look nervous. Esther frowned, concerned. “Your reason is…?” She wondered if he was breaking up with her. Was it because of the baby?

Melchior turned to Esther, and his eyes looked vulnerable. “Look, I’m...I’m gay. Homosexual. A...a queer.” 

The words hung in the air for a second. 

Esther turned them over in her mind, not sure how to react. She wasn’t-it didn’t worry her. 

It would have worried her parents. 

“Oh,” she said finally. “I-oh.” 

“Well?” 

“Then you are breaking up with me?” She asked. 

“I...yeah. I’m sorry, Esther, you deserve a great boyfriend-husband…” 

Esther placed her hand on Melchior’s, and somewhat shakily, smiled. “And so do you.” 

Melchior smiled back, and they stood there for a few seconds, this feeling like one of those forever moments. An immortalized memory that would remain on the pier more so than in their minds. 

“We can help each other. We’re both ostracized.” 

“Yeah, I was thinking-I’ll still help you with the child.” 

“ _ Our  _ child,” Esther corrected. 

“Yeah. Okay.” 

The sound of the waves gently faded as they walked off, away from the pier and the moonlit moment. 


	2. Innocent

**_March 3rd, 1972_ **

****

**** Mark woke up early, before the sun came up. He grinned, excited, and jumped out of bed. “I’m eight!” He yelled. He ran down the stairs and into the living room. His mother was sitting on the couch, reading a book. She looked up and smiled when she saw Mark. 

“Hello,” she said, “how are you?” 

Mark grinned wide. “Happy!” He said, and jumped around in a circle. “Can I open my presents now?” 

“Not yet,” his mother said gently. “Well-actually, here. You can open mine.” She handed him a square-shaped thing in birthday wrapping paper. 

Mark gasped. “Really?” 

His mother nodded. “Of course.” 

Mark tore at the wrapping paper, strewing it all over the floor. Inside was a leather-bound book with lined paper. “A journal?” He asked. 

His mother nodded again, smiling. “I thought you would like it. You’re so imaginative, so creative, always making up stories…” She laughed, her eyes glowing. “This should be perfect for you.” 

Mark grinned and hugged her. “Thank you, Mama!” 

She hugged back tightly. “You’re welcome, dear.” 

Mark ran off and grabbed a pencil. This journal thing would be fun. 

 

_ March 3, 1972  _

__ _ Hi! My name is Mark Cohen. I got this journal as a birthday present for my birthday. I’m eight today! My mom gave me it cause she said I couldn’t open the rest of my presents yet but I could open this present and I really really like it! It’s really cool.  _

__ _ I live with my mom and her husband. His name is David and I think he’s technically my stepdad but I dunno, he’s not my dad. My dad is super cool cause his name is Mel  _

 

__ Mark stopped writing for a second to go ask his mom how to spell his dad’s name. And then he was back. 

_ My dad is super cool cause his name is Melchior and he has a husband and I have 7 siblings. Cindy, Mary, James, Isaiah, Joseph, Joshua, and Josephine. My dad and his husband and their children live in a different house but it’s not really far away and I see them a lot. Cindy is really close to me, she’s only 7. Mary and James are twins! I think that’s super cool. They’re 5 years old. Isaiah is only 2. Shhh. He’s a baby.  _

__ _ Joseph is 6, so he plays with me and Cindy a lot. We have fun. I always win at tag. His little brother Joshua is 4 but he plays with Mary and James. And Josephine is 3. She doesn’t really play with anybody ‘cause Isaiah’s too young but all of us are too old.  _

__ _ My dad’s husband is named Bill but he lets me call him Billy and I really like him! He’s funny. I don’t like David so much ‘cause he’s boring.  _

__ _ And also I want my dad to live with us instead of David. But he doesn’t like-like my mom. Only Billy. Which is okay. ‘Cause Billy’s cooler than anyone else. Even Prince Philip from Sleeping Beauty!  _


	3. Baby with the Bathwater

**_March 10, 1972_ **

_My mom told me she’s gonna have another baby! I’m gonna get another sibling! I think that’s super cool. A younger sibling!! I’m gonna have eight now!! A lot of people at my school don’t have as big a family as me but that’s okay and even my best friend Maureen has NO siblings!_

_Maureen is cool. My mom thinks I like her. That’s gross I don’t like-like Maureen. Like-liking is for grownups and teenagers._

_I wanna help name the baby._

 

**_June 28, 1972_ **

_My dad and Billy are going to something today. Some kind of “an-na-verse-ry.” I can’t spell that but I don’t wanna ask how to spell it._

_My mom’s belly is big. She went to the doctor today. She looks tired a lot. The doctor said the baby might be unhealthy I think? But I think it’s okay, it’s gotta be okay!_

 

_**July 31, 1972**   
_

_Something happened today and I’m not really sure what happened ‘cause the grown-ups won’t tell me. I don’t know why though. I keep asking but they just keep crying. I’ve gotta find out soon. Like a detective!_

**_August 1, 1972_ **

_Okay so it turns out that I’m not gonna have a younger sibling. That’s kind of sad but I don’t know why my mom and David don’t want another child. Why couldn’t they just have the baby? It can’t be that hard to have a baby._


	4. Resent

**_January 1989_ **

 

The little flame flickered as Mark lit the cigarette, then flung the match into the water. It made a soft hissing sound as it hit the ocean and died. 

The orange and white cigarette didn’t feel good in Mark’s mouth-and that was good. It wasn’t supposed to. It was supposed to feel awful, supposed to wake him up. And he  _ somewhat  _ liked the taste at this point. He wasn’t addicted though, that was certain. 

Mark leaned against the rail of the pier, his sweater barely warming him. He wasn’t sure why that particular memory had come back now. 

His mother had never  _ actually  _ explained to him what had happened to his eighth sibling-but he’d picked up on it. And she’d never had to explain, which relieved Esther and caused Mark to resent her. If she couldn’t confront the realities of life, how could he live it? 

And now Roger was…

God, it was Joshua all over again.

Mark flung the cigarette into the water and coughed, heavily. He didn’t have any use for it now. And he didn’t care about littering.

He couldn’t live through all of this again. Days of rehab, him having to be the bigger person, never getting a chance to break down and cry. 

Even now. He could have cried. 

But he didn’t. He couldn’t. The fish would have been ashamed. 

Joshua and his dad and Billy and Cindy…

Mark wondered which unwanted memory would creep up next, in the time when he actually had a moment to digest reality. Which one would eat away at his mind like the addiction was eating away at Roger. 

Which one he’d never get a chance to cry over, again. 


	5. Is This The End Or Am I Just A Coward?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Small trigger warning for somewhat suicidal thoughts.

**_July 1986_ **

 

    Mark raced in to the hospital. His younger brother was here, he had to be. Mark would kill himself if Joshua wasn’t alright.

    The bed. Three down on the right. This memory would be blazing hot in his mind, red as a fire poker for the next few years. Even as much as he suppressed it it would have that unwanted brightness every time he thought of it. Brightness, an exact memory, and Mark being barely coherent.

    “Hello?” He asked, stepping into the room. Mark was 21. Joshua was 17. This couldn’t be happening. _Shouldn’t._ Where were his dad and Billy? Where were Joshua’s parents?

    He was laying on the bed, a pale blue hospital gown against his pale blue skin, his eyes screwed shut. He spat out a name. Not out of anger. Out of weakness.

    “Mark.”

    Mark raced to his younger brother’s side. He didn’t grab his hand. Not yet. Mark felt that would hinder things. Wouldn’t help Joshua’s recovery.

    “Are you-what happened? I mean. Josephine said over the phone-“

    “Should ha...ungh...told...you.”

    “About the…?” Mark wasn’t sure how much to ask. He knew what had happened. It swirled over and over again, round and round in his mind, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it. Any part of it.

    _What a coward you are,_ his brain spit. _Any part of it. Can’t say two little words. Fucking coward._

Mark violently pushed the thoughts aside and turned to his little brother. “You-”

    “Yes, _Mark,_ I did. Such the golden boy, the hero, helping everyone when they need it. Why didn’t you help me when _I_ needed it?!” Joshua finally opened his eyes and turned to Mark. They glared for a second with no real intent, then fizzled out. “S-...sorry. I didn’t mean...that...it’s the c-the drug.”

    “Cocaine overdose,” Mark murmured. “Why?”

    “I didn’t intend it.”

    “Didn’t...inten-”

    “No. I was just trying to get high. And I don’t need my older half-brother to tell me that that’s wrong.”

    “I wasn’t going to.”

    “I know. I can’t-I’m not myself right now.”

    “Okay.” Mark pulled up a chair and sat down in it next to the bed.

    “Mark...can you stay? For a little bit? Or a while?”

    “Yeah. Of course. Um…”

    “What?”

    “Can I ask...how...much? Are you going to-”

    The question stopped, barely passing Mark’s lips. His throat felt dry.

    “Die?”

    Mark nodded meekly.

    “They think I will. It was just a little too much, but they don’t have the technology to save me from that.”

    “What about Dad and Billy?”

    “They’re calling them now. But from what I’ve seen, I think...I think they won’t be here on time.”

    “Oh, Josh, I’m so so-”

    “No, it’s fine, Mark, as long as I have one member of my family here,” Josh smiled weakly up at Mark. “My older half-brother.”

    “Brother,” Mark said softly, but for once, he wasn’t correcting.


End file.
